When someone continues to flake out on all plans with you, it’s because they haven’t been authentic with you from the beginning. Let me esplain:
I have been wanting to do a YouTube project for quite some time now. Like 5 years. I’ve drug my cameraman cousin out to the barn to film a few hours of B roll never to follow up on it. I haven’t started because I’m just scared.
It’s a thing that we do when we really really really want to do something, but many many many things – usually imagined – keep us from doing it.
Yet before that, it was the few flake outs that I did to other people back when I was on the single scene. I remember overcommitting myself one week to the point that I called my mom crying because an overbearing friend of mine wasn’t taking my last minute “I litterally can’t tonight” for an answer. I sobbed in exhaustion because she was making me go to a top rated steakhouse.
In both instances the flake happened because I falsely represented myself. To one party I represented that I was ready to take action to my project, and to the other party I represented that I was down 100% of the time and had the faintest idea about boundaries and self-care.
On the other hand, the time with this friend at this resturant would have been time well spent enjoying our colorful conversations and trying new food. Maybe a few days prior I should have stayed in and planned my future energy better. These are the things that you realize when you wake up. When you get to the point where you use these realizations as learning moments instead of judging yourself – you’ve really arrived.
You just shrug your shoulders and say “Eh.” “Ok, now I know.”
On the otherside of the moon, I also know what it feels like to be flaked on. I’ve applied my personal theroy to those situations as well. In my humble – open to new information opinion – I don’t think those who flaked on me were being authentic with me. I know what it feels like to make plans with a busy friend, those plans are kept. They may be moved, but they will absolutely come to fruition. Those times that I was flaked on, those people didn’t follow the above vibe.
Often they were the ones to make the plans, get super excited when making them after running into eachother at mutual friend’s function…would afterwards text about how excited they were about the plans, and then bail day of. With one person you wouldn’t even hear from them – and actually still haven’t. Also, these weren’t dudes that did this, they were women that I was very good friends with. Well, there was one couple did it to Michael and I…but for the most part, girls.
What I believe happened to them had happened to me: you are in the moment, the vibe is high, someone comes up with a cool outing/idea and that intensifies the moment. The date is set and as most extravert-introverts know, the closer it gets to the event, the more the anxiety and the less the time management.
Misrepresentation happens with all of us some of the time. We are herd animals who want to be liked and have the safety-in-company-mentality. Sometimes we over estimate that importance and agree to things for the acceptance and validation that t provides. When you learn to or accept that you like being with yourself, other people’s flake off’s don’t bother you anymore because you just go and do something else. Where the boundaries come in is when you actually care about seeing the person and you let them know that you become – insert emotion here – when they constantly bail. Then take it one step further and explain the pattern that you have observed.
For me, I noticed that with one of the aforementioned ladies, the flaking happened the same way every single time right down to using the same exuse. I know that she doesn’t do this with everyone because she obviously goes out, just not with me. And that’s ok. No discussion needed. Right friendship at the wrong time, just move on. Maybe we’ve had our moment, maybe the story isn’t over yet.
You see, the last thing that we should do is take on the emotion of anger, rejection or hold grudges on people who do this to us, because it is what it is. Maybe it isn’t personal and they are bailing all of the time because they want acceptance from you and don’t think that they measure up to get it. Maybe it’s ego and they want to feel important by having people waiting on them so to feel needed. In either scenario it really isn’t your problem.
We all have the capacity within us to do this so pointing figures is useless. If you are one of those that really doesn’t want to flake but only ends up doing it out of sheer exhaustion due to overcommitment, this past year should have taken that off of the table for you. We know now for sure what actually needs our attention and energy and what no longer does. That right there is step one in time management evaluation – “what can I do away with entirely?” It may have been forced upon you, but now the hard part is over.
We’re capable of change and it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or take forever. We have the resources to take care of ourselves by having the ability to decide who we spend time with, and in fact we should. You can rest easy that people always pop up and into our lives in a big way when the timing is right. But that also means that they can pop out too. Energy begets energy. What you’re vibing with is what is going to come. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be some mis-matches. Sometimes light is really attractive but for those who haven’t done their own work to becoming authentic in who they are, light can be really intense. People with misaligned intentions end up retreating.
People flake. I have flaked. So have you. We will all probably do it again at some point. It really only becomes a problem when it’s a continuing pattern. Then it’s up to you to break the pattern, not the person, by just not giving any energy to it. If they come back around and they’re all authentic and radiating good vibes, you’ll feel it and it will be glorious. If you’re the one who has the pattern to break – then do it.
Being here for this human experience at this point in time is such a trip. On one hand we all have this knowlege that stillness will reveal our true purpose, but there is so much available to us to do and try that we want to do and try it all. See if this personality suits, this career, this relationship sterotype etc, but the truth is that “the riches are in the niches.” Riches being joy – from which everything else flows and niches being your authentic self.
In the meantime, love people enough to let them be who they are, even if they are not in your life. Flakes and all.